Team Cannon Fodder
by Dark and Chaotic
Summary: All Hideyoshi Kuro wanted, was to take his brats to the Chuunin Exam. Now, he was saddled not only preparing them, but also helping Chuunin Umino Iruka get ready for the Jounin exams in 6 months. This story follows a Cannon Fodder team in all of its satiric glory. Sets off 2 months prior Shippuuden. Not a yaoi story. Competent!Iruka, Awkward!Kakashi
1. Prologue

_**A/N: Things keep popping into my head. Here I was, writing the fourth chapter of **_**Ghost in the past****_, when suddenly I had the weird urge to immerse myself a bit more into the not so important lives of a random team of ninja from Konoha. Thus, I present to you, my dear readers, an Introduction to Team Cannon Fodder – the ninja team you never hear anything about but still take part of the daily chaos that is Konoha. Story starts off a little bit before the start of Shipuuden, just like with Ghosts in the Past. Enjoy, read and review :)_**

**Prologue**

_A curious introduction into the lives of Team Cannon Fodder_

or

as Kuro-sensei would put it

_A journey into the daily lives of Team Hideyoshi_

Hideyoshi Kuro was a 27 year old Jounin of Konohagakure. He was practically what one would call a veteran in his job, considering the fact that the average lifespan of a ninja on active duty in any one village was around 25 years. Most ninja opted to get to rank Chuunin or Tokubetsu Jounin which secured them more often than not with guarding, escorting and messenger type of missions. While the rank of Jounin brought a lot of prestige to those who had earned it, it also brought upon the nasties, like the A-ranks, S-ranks and the occasional SS-ranks that were more often than not left unmentioned in one's dossier.

Kuro was a seventh generation ninja, even though he wasn't from a specific clan or anything. He considered himself one of those cannon fodder folk that just happened to get the lucky pass and snatch the jounin rank. During the Jounin Exam he happened to land upon the only handicapped ninja and even then he barely scraped a win. It had been a bloody battle of wits, cunning and playing dirty. Three years later, he found himself saddled with his first Gennin Team, who he just knew were going to be as cannon fodder as he was. Only certain, elite type of ninja managed to get the creme de la creme – the clan children. People like Hatake Kakashi, who had gotten the Jinchuuriki, the Uchiha and that Haruno girl who was nowadays a well accomplished medic. Even though the Uchiha had opted to 'leave' Konoha, his performance at those Chuunin exams had been a riot. These certain type of ninja were the public face of Konohagakure. And ninja like himself did the dirty work like assassinations, spying, saboutages and what not.

Nowadays, two years after he had gotten his first Gennin team, he was doing what was considered a standard guard post duty. Not usually something a Jounin would do, but a Jounin-sensei with three Genin was a desirable combination. It was a C-rank and his brats were well enough prepared to handle the job. Hell, he was even considering letting them have a go at the up comming Chuunin exams. His girl was certainly ready for it. She had the most potential – an unusual combination of good chakra control and close range weapons expertise. The boys were a whole other matter all together. Sora was aspiring to become a medic nin, despite his difficulties with chakra control excersizes and Maburo was as genjutsu oriented as they got. All three were first generation ninja, from civilian families. Kohime, his girl, was the third child of a wealthy merchant family of low nobility. Seeing as she had two older brothers, her parents had decided she would be better off...well, Kohime had opted for the Shinobi career in stead of that option. Sora's parents were both civilian medics and his desire to become a medic himself had stemmed from the Sound-Sand Invasion. He had been a rare case for the Ninja Academy. For only a year he had managed to absorb to an acceptable level what was desired of him to qualify for Gennin. While in many ways lacking, such as in Taijutsu, he had proven to be his most dedicated brat of the bunch. Maburo was... hm, artistic. Born to a family of Blacksmiths, he was well versed in how to take good care of his equipment. It had been him who had gotten Kohime into close range weapons. But aside from that, Maburo was best suited for Genjutsu and that would be all he would ever say about the boy. The brat had some very deep personal problems, resolving around how he perceived himself.

'Another three hours and we can go back to our hotel.' Kohime sighed, ruffling her spiky short hair. Her chocolate eyes looked at Kuro. ' Can I do the report, Kuro-sensei? I've been practicing like you said and I think I've finally got it down.'

'There will be time for that, Kohime-hime.' he grinned at the girl who pouted and grumbled. For being such a beautiful girl it was odd to strive to be as masculine as possible. She hated being called hime, but every single person on her team called her that. 'If all goes to plan we will all be wolfing down barbeque at the Skipping Doe tomorrow night – my treat, of course.'

His brats cheered. Barbeque happened to be the one thing they had in common. That and the one time he had been mistaken for a single father with triplets. Kuro mentally sighed and chuckled at the memory. That old lady hadn't been too far off the truth. All three of his brats had just about enough problems with their families that more often than not spend their time at his house. Not that he found that to be a bad thing. Who doesn't like to wake up to the wonderful smell of Kohime's cooking? Or to find all of his weaponry completely spotless and given the royal treatment by a bored Maburo? And Sora was usually the person responsible for his house, a much too obvious 'Get a wife and start a family' gift from his parents, to smell like fresh laundry. He'd even finally gotten a competent medical cabinet in his bathroom.

All things considered, life was good when you were the Jounin-sensei of a bunch of teens that just happened to click amazingly well together. Who cared if they were Cannon Fodder? They were loyal shinobi of Konoha, they did their duty and in the end of the day, it was all that mattered. Kuro looked at his watch. Two and a half hours to go untill their shift was finally over.


	2. Tsunade the Slugish Princess

**Chapter One**

_Tsunade – the Slug(**ish**) Princess_

Team Kuro stood completely still while their only female member was giving an admittingly decent report on their mission in the Fire Country Capital. Kuro couldn't help the twitch of his mouth as a small amount of pride amassed itself in his chest. His little Kohime was such a capable and eloquent talker. Who else but her on their little team was capable to say _**We did nothing and encountered nothing for the entire duration of the mission**_ in 3500 words?

Kuro's eyes shifted from Kohime's tall frame and glanced at the Hokage. She was certainly very easy on the eyes. Blonde hair, voluptious body with the most famous pair of 'twins' in the entire Elemental Continent and those brilliant cherry wood brown eyes. Indeed, she was quite the looker, for someone in their fifties. He wondered iddly what the Hyuuga saw when they gazed upon her with their Byakugan.

_A wrinkled old prune._

Kuro took a deep, calming breath and let it out slowly. It would not do good to wake up his dear Hokage with the bark of his laughter. She was sitting in that comfortable chair of hers, one hand holding their report and the other propping up her forehead, but in such a way that hid her drooping and already closed in sleepiness eyes. The tell-tale blush on her cheeks and the not so faint scent of alcohol comming from her confirmed what he expected to find in the first place – the Slug Princess as as drunk as she could get.

Not for the first time Kuro questioned the choice of Fifth Hokage. Ever since the Sound-Sand Invasion and the devastating loss of the Third, he had hoped that the newest edition to the heads on their Hokage mountain would be someone worthy of the Third's legacy. After all, the old man had been longer on the job than the other three Hokage to that point combined.

Some say the Fourth had been the greatest Hokage of them all. Indeed, Kuro agreed that he had been a truly remarkable person in the short period of time he had been under his leadership. Even before that he had rarely even seen him, but his opinion of him had always been quite positive. For Kuro, Namikaze Minato was one of their greatest ninja to be produced by the village thus far. But he was not the greatest Hokage.

In his mind and his heart, that position was held by none other than the magnificient bastard himself, the Third Hokage Sarutobi Hiruzen. History more often than not worked in its own mysterious ways and people tended to forget some things in lieu of others. For example, in his day Sarutobi Hiruzen had been known for his beyond indecent and lecherous behavior. But that was something that nowadays very few people even knew about. His personal knowledge of that fact came from his own grandfather who always seemed to dislike the Third and at the same time gave him his grudging respect.

'That man has slept with half of Konoha.' he had told him once, while on one of his 'Good old days' rants.'The female half to be exact. He got around more than the Nidaime and, trust me, that is saying something.'

He was still a child back then and he hadn't understood what his good old ancient gramps was talking about. But now, a full grown man, he understood perfectly.

'You don't believe me? Just look at a picture of Biwako-sama from when she was young and you will understand everything.'

At first he hadn't believed him. But for some inexplicable reason he had gone and done just that.

For most people, Sarutobi Biwako could be described as the Hokage's beautiful wife. But for Kuro's grandfather, she was a She-devil that made the Kyuubi pale in comparison. For despite her immense beauty and wisdom, she happened to be 15 years younger that the now late Third, and, weren't it for her expertise in the medical and torture and interrogation arts, there would be a lot more than just three illegitimate children. And how could he possibly know these things? His grandfather had been a chuunin, assigned to assist at the Hokage tower when beautiful Biwako had stormed and presented said facts.

Kuro couldn't care less about such juicy gossip.

Ok, maybe that was a bit of a lie, but he was at least honest in his opinion that Hiruzen-sama's personal life was not the factor that influenced his opinion. In fact, that didn't even figure in his mental chart of things that made the man number one most super awesome ninja kage of all times in his head.

No. What figured, however, was his entire career as a ninja, him being a ridiculously competent political savvy, the grandfather act, the fact that he was the Freaking GOD of Shinobi, the Professor and last but not least – that classy pipe that he liked to stick at the edge of his mouth and nibble on its end while reading through a report.

From his very birth he had hit the jackpot – born into an actual ninja clan. The Sarutobi clan was not a big one nor was it an old one. However, they possessed a summoning contract which in and on itself was enough to warrant you a sure-fire way into the then budding, revolutionary idea to create a ninja village. The clan was also known for its members' ease in learning jutsu. High chakra pool capacity and moderately acute chakra control coupled with their physical traits. They were also a very wealthy clan.

Kuro didn't really care what other people thought (_lies_) but he was a firm supporter of the idea that even though Hiruzen-sama was a great ninja, his future as the Third Hokage had been predetermined by the political forces of the time. Some 70 percent of that firmness currently stood, or rather sat, before him, on the verge of deep sleep, breathing in that specific pattern alotted to sleeping behavior since times unknown.

After having two Senju for Hokage, the goverment needed to show to the public that they weren't blatantly favoring the Senju clan. The Sarutobi clan was easily the best choice, as they were close allies of the Senju and shared the same views as them. Hiruzen-sama was literally groomed into his position as the Third. Both Tobirama, who was his teacher, and his brother spent a marginal amount of time turning their little student into what was now known as the God of Shinobi. Magnificient bastardry at its political finest? It was hard for Kuro to not appreciate it. After all, he was a ninja, and there was nothing more normal than a ninja to appreciate a good underhanded move when they saw it. A good ninja learns from that and moves on to be an even better ninja, perhaps even use that same underhanded move in the future. Wouldn't it be great if that same ninja used that particular technique on a person close to the originator slash previous user of the technique and thus turning yet another cycle of backhandedness in the amazing clockwork that is life? Yes, Kuro thought so too.

But back at the topic at hand.

So Sarutobi Hiruzen becomes Hokage and what follows is undoubtedly the Golden age of ninja history for Konoha. Despite the wars, conspiracies and everything else that just happened because it could, Konoha had been and still is the most powerful ninja village and all that was thanks to Hiruzen's tedious work. Or rather – the Shodaime's and Nidaime's tedious, hard work. _Good game Konoha, Applause to you as well, then-Daimiyo of Hi no Kuni._

It was a given that the Third also happened to be a brilliant political savvy. Such qualities were not something one could be taught. Good relations with the Fire Daimiyo and his court, good relations with the smaller countries that were at Hi no Kuni's mercy? Check. Keeping prolonged peace and good relations between the various ninja and non-ninja clans and nobility and what not within Konoha and in the general area of Hi no Kuni? Check. Do that for how long? Thirty? Forty? Almost Fifty years? Holy motherfucking shit check!

By the way? Remember those things that happened just because they could and aimed to piss everybody? A couple of checks just to be sure. A few of them dedicated to, naturally, getting young children into the ANBU program (_cough_Itachi_cough_), Orochimaru going nuts and deserting, and last, but not least, not keeping that bloody Jinchuuriki Uzumaki in check.

What? You think hating on the poor Jinchuuriki is a tad bit unreasonable? You do? Being Chuunin was a bloody stint job with that orange nuinsance around. Fine, Jinchuuriki, you want to be Hokage? Nobody bloody cares! We heard you fifty times for the last hour or so and shouting it for another fifty in the next hour will not make it any more plausible in the future. So, in the name of all that is holy and for the sake of the minds of the young Chuunin who have to deal with your idioticy on a daily basis, kindly do shut up and get your ass back in the Ninja Academy.

Yes. That pretty much summed up 40 percent of Kuro's chuunin days. Go figure why most of the Career Chuunin harbored great dislike for the kid. He'd pull off some of the most annoying and slash or stupid pranks he could come up with and then he'd hide God knows where and since he was Konoha's little Mascot - _cough _ugh, Jinchuuriki – that meant that every time that kid disappeared it equalled a small national crisis. This was a ninja village. Every case of disappearance had to be treated as a possible kidnap scenario.

Ninja were big on kidnappings. It took someone really underhanded and sneaky (_and desperate_) to do a proper kidnapping. Look at the Hyuuga Incident, for example. They had lost a fine man, that Hizashi. The kidnapping attempt had been a failure but Kumo still got things going their way. Hyuuga Hizashi had been a fine Tokubetsu Jounin. He would've been proud of his son who was now possibly the most popular bachelor among his age group of females. Sure, the kid was a Jounin at this age and it was prestigious and stuff, but if he had been a dad to a kid with literally a possible harem, he'd be damn proud just for that accomplishment. From a man to a man, he'd say, '_Good game, kid, Hyuuga Whatsyourface.'_

So, to sum it up. Conspiracies, national crises (_yes, crises- the plural form of crisis, spectacular, isnt it?_), more conspiracies, kidnappings, investigations, the occasional guy that turns traitor because they think the grass is greener on the freelancing side... Yep, that pretty much sums up the daily grind here, in Konohagakure no Sato.

Kohime finally finished her report and Shizune, that wonderful angel of administration, slightly pushed on Tsunade's shoulders to rouse the woman from her sleep.

'Shishou, you must sign the report and hand over their mission payment.' Shizune said quietly (_and delicately_).

Kuro's team, being good little shinobi, pretended they didn't see that or that it didn't happen.

Tsunade grunted and moaned, licking her dry lips and groggily turned to face Shizune with a faint but still painfully obvious scowl on her features.

'I was just finishing reading the report.' Tsunade declared defensively, not that anyone in their right mind would even _hint_ let alone _say_ anything about how she fell asleep during Kohime's verbal report. Well, Kohime did posess a rather soothing and pleasant voice and if it were to be applied in a certain way, it was indeed quite possible to be lulled to sleep. Did Kuro mention how great Kohime was with children? She rocked the babysitting missions. Just give her a book or get her to sing a simple lullaby and the whole team would be dozing pleasantly.

'Of course Shishou.' Shizune said, fingers nervously playing with the edges of her copy of the report.

It would be a fine time to state that nowadays Konoha ninja had to make two copies of the same report. One copy for Tsunade to skim over and sign and what not and one copy for Shizune who would read through it diligently and would make sure that at the end of the day Tsunade would know the commings and goings of her ninja soldiers. Did Kuro mention Shizune was an angel on earth? Yes? Well, then he would mention it again. Shizune's a bloody holy angel that, for the sake of Konoha's prolonged future, was sent to Hi no Kuni, in order to keep his home sweet home safe and sound and still running and functional.

You see that small, cute, sweet girl with short black hair and black eyes. That looks slightly nervous in that cute, shy way? That, in Kuro's humble opinion, was the REAL Fifth Hokage. If it wasn't for her amazing organizing skills, her dedication to Konoha and countless other, equally amazing virtues, he would've quit just then and there and become a chef, like his sister, who worked currently in the household of a prestigious family of high nobility in the Capital of Hi no Kuni. She seemed happy when he had seen her a few days ago.

Sure, Tsunade-hime's latest apprentice, Pinky Haruno Something, also helped out when she could. She was a girl whose only remarkable physical traits were her soft pink hair and vivid green eyes. She also wore a red dress with the Haruno clan symbol on it (_that's how Kuro had remembered her family name in the first place_). But the girl packed quite the brains, and apparently Tsunade's amazing enchanced strenght and temper. Kuro couldn't care less about the girlie, but he was certain that there had to be some sort of political reason or a conspiracy behind her presence on Team Kakashi. Someone must've known about her exceptional chakra control. There was no other explanation on how a bloody first generation ninja with no ninja or noble history in her lineage ends up with two of Konoha's most important units – Uchiha Sasuke and the Jinchuuriki brat.

So maybe he was a bit of a conspiracy buff, but he'd get to that girl's case when he had some time to himself. Right about now he was feeling that deep loss within himself, which he associated with the Third Hokage. For when you gave the Third your report, he would plop that smoking pipe in his mouth, roll it to one edge and then hold its end with his teeth, nibblind and very lightly rolling it a bit to one side or the other. He would puff a few smokes from it, inciting that distinct hissing sound of smoldering tobacco that only a trained ninja (_or a ridiculously avid smoker_) would hear. The old man would read his report in complete silence, a slight scowl of concentration on his face, his eyes darting quickly through the written lines. It was something that Kuro identified as a very deeply personal experience. It was a great honor for his report to be handled with such attentiveness by the Third. It was one of the many reasons for which Hiruzen-sama was the greatest Kage in history. And also one of the many reasons why he completely disagreed with the idea that Tsunade was Fifth.

It had been two and a half years now, and that deep patriotic wound was still fresh in his mind. He understood why she had been chosen as Fifth. First choice had been the Gama-Sennin Jiraiya. When the man had declined the position (_which at the time had risen Kuro's hopes for a better candidate_) Tsunade had been the next best choice. As a Senju and with a ridiculously well-accomplished ninja career, she was literally the avatar of salvation that had swooped into Konoha in her time of need. Her transition into the post had been swift and people had been happy, despite the tragic loss of the Third (_bless his soul_).

Now, Kuro was not hating on her without his reasons. True, everybody had their vices, and Tsunade happened to be a drunk gambling addict. No, that was not the problem. Tsunade was a smart, reasonable woman with a medical expertise so vast, that for it alone she was a ridiculously overpowered boon for Konoha. On top of that, Tsunade was a very powerful shinobi on the offensive as well, and every single ninja in Konoha can tell you that she cannot be killed in battle. So strenght wasn't the problem either. The slug princess was a bossy woman, very slightly on the arrogant side and while that confidence and aggressiveness helped out one's image as a ninja leader, it was her other qualities in which Kuro found her lacking for the post.

You see, Tsunade was not a political savvy and she indeed lacked on leadership skills in the beginning. Experience and time had taught her well, however, so there was still that very pale candle of hope that she might accomplish something exemplary on the post. For Kuro, she just filled the post because no one else met the requirements as well as she did.

It this had been an ideal world, of the Three Sannin Orochimaru would've fit the role of Hokage the best. If you removed that mad scientist who experimented (_and still experiments_) on children part and the part where he leaves the village and later returns slash invades it out of spite. So, in an ideal slash idillic world, had Orochimaru been the Fifth Hokage, he would've used all that cunning, smarts and wit to further shoot Konoha's progress into the proverbial skies of success. Right now, Tsunade was just keeping things together. But that was just Kuro's humble opinion. It was either him or Nara Shikaku. Though the Nara lacked the public support and political appeal Orochimaru would've had in that ideal, imaginary world of his.

After some ten more minutes of fumbling with stamps and signing, Tsunade handed over their C-rank mission monney and his brats dutifully bowed and excused themselves. It was getting dark outside and it was time for Barbeque. Said exclamation procurred simultaneous cheers from his little ninja and his mouth corners twitched upwards in amuzement.

In the end, Hideyoshi Kuro was nothing more but one of the many ninja in this village and while he had less than savory opinion for the Fifth, he was a stubbornly loyal ninja of Konoha.

_**A/N: And Chapter One is up. You'll find that a lot of the time things would be seen through Kuro's point of view. While his opinion heavily bashes Tsunade's overall image, he hasn't had the change to go on high-level missions since he is dealing with his 'brats'. She hasn't earned his respect on the field, as a leader. Well, there is also the fact that Kuro is a bit of a douchebag with a very soft spot for his Gennin. He also has troubles remembering the names of people and often relies on clan symbols sewn to their clothing to spew out a quick 'Hyuuga-san' or 'Inuzuka-san' so that he doesn't look like an incompetent idiot. **_

_**And as you can see, Kuro has a bit of an ideology crush on Shizune. You can compare it to having a hard time in your workplace and there would be that kind, hard working person that would always take time to help you out. For Kuro, Shizune's that person and he often compares her to the Third Hokage, based on those administration-friendly qualities of hers.**_

_**Next chapter will present his Genin nice and proper. And also his overbearing mother.**_

_**Well, I hope you guys liked this chapter. Read and Review for faster Updates. Also, if you like my writing, do care to check out **_ Moons of Red **_and my other unorthodox sci-fi/supernatural time travel story _**Ghosts in the Past.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Two**

Hideyoshi Kuro's house was a nice big two-story building with a lovely garden at front and a spacious enough fenced backyard. It sported two bathrooms, one on each floor and three bedrooms- master bedroom, a smaller bedroom and the guest room. All three bedrooms were in in use by his team. Kohime usually called dibs on the master bedroom and Kuro found himself waking up on the ridiculously comfy sofa in the living room on the first floor. It was a nice huge leather sofa that provided a weary ninja with what all three of his brats called sofa therapy.

This particulary morning Kuro woke up to the groggy feeling of not getting enough sleep, post-liquor bad breath and some minor pounding in his temples due to hangover. He took his time getting up. Once in a sitting position he dedicated himself to a jaw-splitting, long and utterly satisfying yawn and then to an even more satisfying, bone-cracking bout of stretching. After that business was done he dragged himself towards the bathroom on the first floor.

It wasn't as fancy as the bathroom on the second floor, which sported a lovely bath tub, but it did possess a shower cabin with a matted glass door. Kuro yawned again and turned the sink's taps for hot and cold water. He splashed his face a few times and rubbed it with his hands. No. That wasn't going to do the trick. He needed some coffee to really wake up and jump start his brain.

'Sensei, can you pass me the herbal and honey shampoo by the sink? Thanks.'

Kuro blinked and looked at the shower cabin. Kohime's wet head was poking out, her body somewhat concealed by the matted surface of the glass door. He looked to his other side and grabbed the distinctly feminine looking bottle of shampoo for shine and nutrition. It looked brand new. He opened the lid and sniffed its contents. It smelled sweet and honey like. At least now he had a vague idea of what to make Kohime cook for breakfast.

'Here.' Kuro passed her the shampoo bottle.' Will you be done soon? I want to take a shower myself.'

'I don't know if there will be enough hot water for that, sensei. Maburo's barricaded himself in the bathroom upstairs since two hours ago. I swear, his skin is softer that a baby's bottom and his hair can make a Hyuuga jelaous.' Kohime's voice carried a note of admiration in it. The type of which proud mothers expressed for their over-excelling children.

'I can make do even with cold water. I just need to wash the smell of sweat and liquor off of me.' Kuro shook his head and left his girl to finish her shower.

The kitchen looked pristinely clean. Of course. Sora might not be here but he never missed an opportunity to make his house more aseptic than the hospital. There was a lingering fresh smell of apples, courtesy of whatever manufactured chemical concoction the boy used to purge his home of anything pathogenic. Kuro opened one of the shelves to grab the-

'Kohime! Do you know where Sora put my coffee again?' Kuro shouted at the bathroom.

'Try third cabinet from the right, by the coffee machine.' the girl yelled back.

Kuro sighed. He couldn't even get properly angry. Why would he? It was a lot more sensible to have the coffee nearer the coffee machine than in the cabinet next to the fridge. Several minutes later and the man was sipping on hot caffeinated goodness, bitter and black, just how he liked it. He propped himself against the kitchen counters and sighed contendedly.

Kohime chose that particular moment to stride into the kitchen, dripping wet from head to toe. Kuro rubbed his tired eyes and sighed again, this time tiredly.

'Sora did the laundry again?' Kuro asked, even though he already knew the answer. The kunoichi nodded and headed upstairs with an apple in hand. And yes, she was perfectly naked.

The Jounin scratched his chin thoughtfully,wondering if Sora's zealous approach to cleanliness would relent to some extent his mother's attempts at getting him a nice housewife. No, probably not. After contemplating on whether he should shave or keep the fuzz for that nice, sexy looking rugged look, Kuro finally turned his attention to the soft thudding of feet comming from the second floor. Ninja were trained by default to be as quiet as possible. The fact they made the effort to make noise in his house made him appreciate this courtesy of theirs. It showed that they respected the fact they were bunking in his house and it also showed that they respected him both as a teacher and a friend. He could've easily picked them out even if they tried to hide. After all, he was a Jounin and they – mere Genin. But it was the thought that counted.

Speaking of thoughts, he made a mental note to buy more towels in case Sora decided to do another frenzied cleansing of his abode. It did not do to have Kohime streaking in his house. Oh, and to all those perverts out there, Kuro found Kohime to be a lovely young lady with very elegant and athletic phisique. He also happened to view her as one of his brood, one of his kids. And he had probably seen her naked, along with his other two kids more times than their parents. On the field, medical attention did that and no one on his team carried the benefit of being part of a major and prestigious clan.

He remembered years back, when he was on this recon mission with that Uchiha Whatshername, back when Uchihas were still going around by the dozens. Lady got poked with a poisoned arrow in the chest and he had the fortune (or misfortune) to be the only non-hostile person in a fifty mile radius. Got the chestplate and the shirt off. Her breast binding had to go too, revealing delicious milky goodness and he did his utmost best to be professional while he removed the arrow and sucked out the poison from the wound as best as he could, all the while getting a D-ranked mound of flesh continuously shoved into his left cheek. Several weeks later they had returned from the mission as healthy as horses, not counting being dead on their feet and a few minor scars scratched here and there on their persons.

No sooner than nightfall that same day they delivered their report he had the most crap-into-pants inducing encounter with this other Uchiha who had fully developed Sharingan and stood two inches taller than his already tall self. Said man happened to be her husband and he definitely hadn't come to give his thanks for saving his wife's life. That had been the last time he had willingly dealt with an Uchiha during a mission. As far as he knew, the man's kids happened to take after his _delightful _personality. Sadly neither took after his love for Konoha. Sad thing his wife had to die with all the other Uchiha. She was one of the few people he knew that possessed such a charming personality and was of biddable nature.

But back to the topic at hand – the moral of the story. There were so many unwritten, silent rules that took years to actually properly grasp, that they could make a rookie ninja's head spin. This one rule in particular concerned the state of dress of a non-clan ninja and the state of dress of a clan produced ninja. Cannon Fodder Kunoichi were used for infiltration and seduction missions. Clan Kunoichi either took up guard duty inside the village or retired early in order to take care of their most important duty – producing the next generation of super clan babies. There were always exceptions. The most notorious ones were Lady Tsunade, whose whole clan was gradually wiped out during the last two Ninja Wars. The prestige and money were there and the rules were also there. But if there was no other member in said clan to sustain clan traditions, then whoever was left was free to do whatever the fuck they wanted. Then, there was the other notorious case – Hyuuga Hinata, who was currently a Chuunin, and despite her just as notorious shy disposition, she was well on her way to Tokubetsu Jounin. No, this Hinata girl was not except from the 'naked Clan Kunoichi' rule. She was an exception because she was the clan heir. And as such she was to reach the rank of Jounin and be prepared to take up the position of Clan Head when her father decides to step down.

Kohime, despite her origins as part of some nobility, was a ninja. A kunoichi. She had cut all contacts with her family and nowadays she practically lived in his house. She was more or less as ordinary as the next kunoichi and as soon as she becomes Chuunin she would have the 'honor' to do the nasty in the name of Kage and Country. While he hadn't directly spoken to any of his brats about such certain duties, he had been gradually preparing them via more inconspicuous methods. Losing one's shame was one of those things and Kuro suspected Kohime had been a wee bit too eager in that endeavor.

Then again Sora was so clinical about everything of bodily origin that there was no wonder why Kohime felt no shame in his presence. And Maburo... Sora felt more uncomfortable in his presence than Kohime and that was all Kuro was going to say. Well, that and the fact that Kohime and Maburo took bubble baths together on the odd occasion and there was always giggling involved.

Of course, his brats had seen him naked as well and, as any ninja worth their salt, he could proudly state that he showed off his chiseled muscles with a straight back and the over-encompassing smugness of '_there isn'__t a bad-looking jounin'. _Naturally Kohime had to ruin his moment by stating in an utterly serious tone that she'd seen bigger. It took him five very embarrassed seconds to realize she had been joking and that she'd managed to catch a Jounin unprepared. He'd laughed himself to tears afterwards, much to the girl's disappointment. And then, in the midst of their awesome hot springs break, he had explained via an old tale about the ninja vices. And taught them water walking. Eh. Good times.

There was a knock on the door. Kuro placed his cup of coffee on the kitchen counter and headed to welcome his mother into the house.

'Mother, how nice to see you this early in the day.' He smiled charmingly at the old woman, who merely gave him a steely once over, from head to toes, and frowned.

'It's two hours past noon. Go take a shower, shave and get the girl to help me with lunch.' Kuro's mother, one Hideyoshi Tatsuki, moved past her son and left the grocery bags onto the Kitchen table.

Kuro surpressed the overwhelming urge to sigh and merely headed for the bathroom to enjoy a cold shower for what it was worth. His head was still pounding slightly but he found it easy to ignore due to his ninja training. No sooner than he entered the shower cabin did Kohime and Maburo skip down the stairs to greet his mother like eager little children.

'Kohime-chan, Maburo-chan! Look at you!' Kuro heard his mother croon at his students. She treated them like grandchildren most of the time and they basked in her attention... and treats. Then again she treated him poorly, even though he was her son. That was a very backhanded way to manipulate him into making a family proper, but since Kuro himself was a ninja of high ranking, he tended to ignore the brunt of her not so subtle machinations.

Now that he was clean and feeling fresh, Kuro made his way towards the kitchen, where he spotted his dear mother teaching Maburo how to properly treat carrots before adding them into the meal. Kohime was already slicing the vegetables into neat, even pieces. He noticed that his girl was wearing one of his shirts, which was big enough to fall all the way slightly above her knees. Her short spiky dark brown hair was messy and still slightly damp looking. There was a soft smile on her face and her dark, charcoal eyes were shining warmly.

Kuro smiled at Kohime. He remembered when he first met her – the taciturn pale girl that could've easily be mistaken for an Uchiha. She possessed soft, pretty features and back then she still sported her hair in a pretty braided bun. It had been months before she finally gave in and started becoming part of the team. It was around that time that she started to spend more and more time in his house. Back then she had no idea how to cook or clean. She knew how to serve tea in the upmost proper manner. She knew how to use several different musical instruments and she even had a soft pleasant voice that should've been used for singing.

His mother had taught her how to cook and clean and how to take care of small children. These small everyday tasks around his house made her truly happy. Nowadays, she was always happy. She had a bright future ahead of her as a kunoichi of Konoha and Kuro hoped that what would come during her Chuunin days would not shatter her happiness anew. She was a strong girl and he had faith in her to persevere.

His gaze turned towards his especially feminine boy. Light brown hair that reached slightly beyond his shoulders, a pleasant peachy complexion and light marine eyes. He was tall and lean, wrung out of pure muscle. His mother was currently cooing about his soft hair and he was basking in her attention with a soft blush on his cheeks. He wore simple traditional clothing and during missions he tended to tie his hair out of harm's way. There wasn't a single hair on his body to be out of place. Especially when said hair happened to be only on his eyebrows and thick, silky brown mane. Kuro knew that Maburo was effeminate and he would leave it at that. Kid was ridiculously good with genjutsu and taking care of weaponry. He doubted however that his talents would gain the attention of any of the leading Genjutsu in town. He wasn't special enough to warant such attention but he'd make sure to get him up to par for the Chuunin exams that were a few months away.

'Did Sora do the laundry again?' his mother asked Kohime who nodded without turning to look at her. 'That boy would make some lucky woman a nice housewife.' She chuckled heartily at her own exclamation. Kuro grinned at his mother's antics. 'Speaking of future housewives, I saw that boy, Umino Iruka, the other day.'

Kuro sighed mentally. He was a freaking Jounin and his mother would still point out at random ninja that she knew were of his age group, plus-minus a few years, and then she would ramble on about how well they did for themselves compared to his own humbled person.

'He was running errands for our Lady Hokage. Such a sweet boy. He stopped by to help me with my groceries, even though I could easily do it myself. I used to be friends with his father, you know? He was a stoic man but also one of the finest gentlemen I knew in my time. He had this thin moustache above his upper lip. I kept telling him to grow a small beard. He would always tell me that his wife didn't like how it tickled. Such a thoughtful man, always thinking of his wife. I told him that it didn't matter if it tickled, but where it tickled. I'd always thought that if it weren't for the Kyuubi's attack he'd do well on my advice. It would've made his wife even happier.'His mother sighed dreamily and Kuro used the last vestiges of his will to prevent himself from banging his head on the table's surface.' Now, your father wasn't even half the man Umino-san was. He was always out with _friends, _drinking and doing Kami knows what else. He would return late from missions and fall asleep when I'd want some attention from him.'

This time Kuro couldn't help but groan quietly.

'Mother, father used to be ANBU, you know? In fact, if my memory serves right, he died on a mission in Iwa. Like a proper hero and all that.'

'The bastard!'

It was Kohime's quick thinking that saved the three members of Team Hideyoshi from Mama Hideyoshi's rants about Papa Hideyoshi. Kuro loved his mother dearly, but he also dearly wished for her to be less intrusive into people's lives and to show at least some love for his late father. It was a quirk of hers to be nice and respectful only of people outside the family. He could live with that, he guessed. But it was hard, especially when his mother kept mentioning men from back in the day with which she was clearly infatuated. A loyal and proper housewife herself, she never really made good on those _infatuations _but that didn't make the matter less creepy in Kuro's point of view.

'So, you were telling us about Umino-sensei, Tatsuki-san. He used to be one of the Chuunin who would teach us back in the Academy. How is he? I haven't talked to him in ages.'

'Oh! He is well, very well in fact. He misses the Uzumaki brat but I don't blame him. Kid's constant antics could grow on you. I asked him when he was planning on becoming a Jounin like my own Kuro and he told me that he was fine with his job as Chuunin. Oh! How I wish he weren't thinking so! He would make marvelous Jounin material and I am certain that if he gets the rank he'd be married in no time. Women like men who are good with children, you know.'

'Maybe he doesn't want to become a Jounin because he likes teaching at the Academy?' Maburo guessed, making Mama Hideyoshi to look at him with a thoughtful expression.

'Nonsense! Who wouldn't want to become Jounin? The pay is good and the rank is extremely prestigious and with his good record with children he'll sport a team in no time. Kuro-kun! You have to convince him to become a Jounin. The Jounin trials are in 6 months. Maybe you can help him out to prepare.'

'Mother, I barely know the man!'

'That's not an excuse and you know it. Now go get yourself decent and go to the Academy and offer to take him out for a drink.'

Kohime's chopping pace hitched for a few parts of the second before she meticulously continued her work. Maburo started coughing in an attempt to hide his sudden bark of laughter. There were a few seconds of silence and Kuro couldn't take it anymore.

'I am not asking Umino-san out on a date!' his tone of voice was one of barely supressed incredulity.

That was the moment in which Sora decided to enter through the opened kitchen window, shoes in hand.

'Yo, what did I miss?'

Blue-black hair that fell into his warm brown eyes and pale skin. White clothing and hitai-ate slanted to the side.

'Tatsuki-san told Sensei to ask Iruka-sensei out on a date' Kohime supplied with her usual poker face when presenting facts with various levels of funny.

'Young lady, I did no such thing!' Mama Hideyoshi scolded the girl with an obvious indignant streak.

Kohime smiled and politely bowed.

'I apologize for the misunderstanding, Tatsuki-san."

Not a single one of team Hideyoshi's members was foolish enough to cross old Mama Hideyoshi, after all, she used to be on the Torture and Interrogation Squad. Despite the happy smiles and warm dispositions that the kids presented, the entirety of their Lunch was consisted of walking on proverbial egg-shells around Mama Hideyoshi's easily irritable nature. It was only when she had finally left Kuro's house did the four ninja release their breaths in relief.

"Tch, now we have to find Iruka-sensei." Sora sighed and scratched the back of his head, all the while scowling slightly.

Kuro groaned and buried his head in his hands, ignoring the painful and loud thump of his forehead against the hardwood of the table in lieu of his personal misery. Kohime sympathetically patted her teacher on the back. His mother could be a bit too much at times, not to mention her own personal misgivings when it came to family expectations.

"You do know I wasn't really serious about that date thing." She said as she turned to Sora.

"We still have to get sensei to meet Iruka-sensei." the boy repeated.

"I am not going to help the man prepare for the Jounin exams. He's one of those career Chuunin that get the cozy desk jobs with stable C to B rank monthly payment and fully covered Health Care plans."

Kuro grumbled.

"Ano, Sensei, don't all ninja get fully covered Health Plans?" Maburo asked cheekily, earning a half-hearted glare from his sensei.

"Unwritten rules of the ninja: A Career Chuunin is the only ninja who gets proper use of their Health Care plans." Kuro explained and rubbed his face, as if the action would help him remove the irritation he was feeling right now. A few moments later, he added, as an afterthought, "Except in Suna, where severely injured Jounin can actually get a prosthetic limb that is fully functional and chakra conducting. That's how they keep such a large number of Jounin in comparison to the Chuunin and Gennin forces. Here, terminally injured Jounin either die or get demoted to some sort of token position to keep them grumbling too much."

Kuro's brats shared knowing looks, wondering not for the first time how in the name of all that is holy did their Jounin-instructor manage to stay in the ninja program with such a morbid and acerbic outlook.

"Uhm, but Sensei, if being a Career Chuunin was so good, then why did you apply to become Jounin?" Maburo played with a lock of his hair while keeping an even but curious gaze on Kuro.

"Being Jounin means that you are the best of the best. You get the best weapons, the best jutsu, the best training. But you also have to give the best in return. It is great honor-"

"But why did YOU become a Jounin, Kuro-sensei?" Kohime asked, her large brown eyes staring at him with almost child-like curiosity.

"Well, there comes a time in a ninja's career when they know that they're ready to take on the next great challenge of their lives-" Kuro started explaining with an almost story-teller like voice when he noticed the cheeky little grins on his brats' faces. His eyes narrowed at their clear amusement and he sighed tiredly before switching versions of his tale. "Since you are such an adoring audience, I'd be honored to tell you that Mother-dearest had pegged a, and I quote, _cute dark-haired Chuunin _that would just happened to be a perfect girlfriend for me. And since you express such profound interest in my love life, Maburo, I will tell you who it was. Yuuhi Kurenai. Yep. That Kurenai, the one that Sarutobi Asuma knocked up and now has to marry."

"I thought they were going out quite seriously." Maburo blinked at his teacher's insinuations.

"Yes, mother was quite devastated about it, too. But, honestly, Asuma-san is an even more die-hard out-of-the-loop man than I am, and that is saying something." Kuro emphasized his words by wagging a finger at his three pupils in quite the scholarly fashion.

"So, uhm, Asuma's gonna get himself a bastard?"

"Oh, of course not. He'll marry Kurenai and acknowledge the kid to the public. Kurenai's too well known and his father was a Hokage, not that the fruit falls too far from the tree, if you catch my meaning." Kuro gave them a pointed look, innerly savoring with upmost satisfaction their awed expressions at the great revelations to which he subjected them from time to time. "The Third did something similar back in the day, with Biwako-sama."

After a heavy moment of silence, in which he let his students assimilate what he had just told them, Kuro expertly suppressed a smug grin and then continued on with his original story.

"So, back then, Kurenai-san was still a Chuunin and Mother would often meet her on her way to her gossipy crones, I mean friends, and she decided at some point that we were meant to be, only we didn't know it yet."

Kohime giggled.

"So, you were pushed into becoming Jounin?" Sora asked, slightly tilting his head to the side.

"I only promised to show up, I never actually expected to make it the whole way through." The corners of Kuro's mouth twitched and he scratched the back of his head as he admitted that. "It ended up being a sweet deal, especially in the first month. After lengthy examinations, applying for various clearances and other stuff that I can't really comment with you twerps, I enjoyed the novelty of my upgraded village status. Mother couldn't be more proud and she even had arranged a lovely tea party, along with her crones, I mean friends, Kurenai-san and myself. I couldn't have been happier at the time when, a day before the party, I received a lovely little mission outside of the village. For two and a half months."

"Was that the mission with the scar across your chest?" Sora prodded.

"Why, yes, that would be it."

"But you said you, to this very moment, curse the day you were sent on that mission, sensei."

"Now, now, Sora. Back at the time, I was happy about it. I didn't expect to be nearly cleaved in to by a Bear Summon wielding a sword longer than myself. I started cursing the day after that happened."

"So, that day is cursed." Maburo asked again, making sure he understood his sensei clearly.

"Yes. Unwritten Rule of the ninja: Jounin must always expect the unexpected. If you wonder whether or not to take that extra Kunai or to run that extra mile longer, better do it. Just in case."

"And that is why you have us know thirteen different sealing scroll techniques, in case we run out of food, water, medicine, weapons, clothes, housing, money, entertainment and…" Kohime, trailed off, trying to remember the other various types of articles they usually prepared when going on missions out of the village.

"Tampons, various contraceptives, Maburo's cosmetics, my scalpel collection, my emergency scalpel collection, a lighter or two," Sora continued.

"Razors, a scissor, because Kohime's coiffeur skills a lacking when using a Kunai and a few spare sets of underwear." And Maburo finished.

"Cheeky bastards, the lot of you. I've raised you from this big and this is what I get." Kuro sighed dramatically and his brats burst out into fits of giggles and laughter. All in all, it was a pleasant afternoon in the Jounin's home.

"But seriously, Kuro-sensei, you have to go talk to Iruka-sensei." Sora reminded, making his teacher to freeze in mid laughter and to groan.

"I was almost sure you had forgotten all about it, you brat!"


End file.
